I would be happy to introduce myself and share how I reached here to this community…
People follow a variety of favourite hobbies like drawing, gardening or singing, but mine is thinking. So, where people follow their hobbies and shed their stress, I had always been talking in my head. So, you can guess, that I always had been nurturing a gigantic tree with pain, sorrows and self- criticism as its long branches.
Coming from a dysfunctional/ broken family made me more considerate about the concept of helping the people in need. I still wonder how till my post- graduation I managed numerous times to bring back myself towards my own growth. I have always been a person who has been there to every call for help, either emotionally or physically. I was seeking happiness in helping people. But this turned me into a doormat for them. I incurred a huge cost due to this. While pursuing doctoral degree I noticed the toil on my mental and physical health.
I became the person who was so paranoid to face people, hence taking a U-turn in front of them was the only option which looked feasible. Fast forwarding few months, a silver lining appeared, the people who I used to fear left my vicinity. So, ideally, I should have felt relieved, but whatever I did, it could not help me. Earlier I used to hate my life but then I started to hate myself perceiving myself a person who has made uncountable mistakes. My studies got halted for years.
After a number of different diagnosis, I came to know that panic attacks, anxiety, depression have become the part of my new friend circle. Even after taking medical help, at times I used to hopelessly search for a little ray of light in a cave which constituted just me and my new friend circle.
A Ray of Light!
For effective resolution of our issues, we need honest discussion so we frequently turn towards our friends, and if that friend shows inability to listen us, it takes a huge toll on our mental wellbeing. Even if they try to listen us then due to lack of boundaries between our emotions, they end up giving the biased suggestion just to make us feel empowered. So having a friend with clear boundaries with whom we can have honest and healthy conversation becomes a dire need for us.
A friend came from somewhere and made me realize that thinking is not a productive hobby and I need to firstly help myself by questioning my own thoughts. One day he asked, how your entire day goes? I had no answer to this. Fast forwarding the couple of months, and here I am! I’ve resumed my Ph.D. and now I’ve been given the opportunity to introduce myself to this community, but I think my introduction will be incomplete without thanking Mr. Jatin and his team.
There are some rays of light which I have started to follow upon his recommendation:
Though I can replace the operating system of my electronic devices but unfortunately can’t replace my own operating system (mind), all I can do is to modify its functioning through changing perspectives.
Whenever any other friend of mine assured me that I would be able to see 2021, I never believed. But now I know that there is no quick fix when it comes to mental health, it is a continuous progression task.
Whatever I do in a day defines who I want to be.
Self-love is the only magical thing which I can have within me.
I can help nobody till I am firstly capable of helping myself.
Perfection exists nowhere, I need to accept myself and try to become better than yesterday.
The upside of mental illness!
Fear is the first reaction when we listen the name of mental illness for self, but I have realized that actually it has given me the opportunity to observe myself and become better.
Now, I know little bit better about human psychology as well which is totally different than my usual technical background.
I became friend with some amazing people just because of my mental illnesses.
Now I know the true significance of keep trying.
When our favourite vase breaks down, we can either keep on experiencing the pain out of it or we can pick those pieces and try to stick those back together to the best we can!