Diary entry of the day when I took a rebirth, where I left the old Aakanksha which got created by various factors involving my mind and the society. I can never forget this day and it will always be a great one for me.
Dear Diary,
It’s been 5 to 6 years since I have picked up a pen and a paper and scribbled something. Due to the dominance and reliance on autocorrect and keyboard warrior lifestyle, forgive me if I make spelling mistakes as I write. Oh Well! My fingers ache already, but the show must go on!
Today I spoke to an old friend of mine, and he made me realise that over this period of 5 years or even more, I created (Well my Mind!) a version of me which has been captured by everything from boyfriends, friends and even my own thoughts and trinkets. A version of me who has become a slave to things that don’t make me happy, a sucker for feelings that are uncomfortable, a version of me who has come to hate their own reflection, a version of me that I want to break free from.
He made me realise that once upon a time there was a girl free from all these chains, a charming soul that cared about the good things, things which were worthy of her time, she was like a bird who cannot be caged, owned, she was someone in her own league! Unbothered and yet warm! A version of me who had her own music, own lifestyle, her own taste in clothes, her own wishes, basically she was everything that made her “Aakanksha”, that made her “her”.
I am writing this down because I don’t want you to forget what I have learned today!
As I became my own enemy, As I became a slave to what other people thought of me, of what I thought of myself, as I pitied my own existence every day, as I called myself not “Worthy” enough for people who were never really worthy of me, Today, I have come to a realization that all this time I have been feeding this version of me with the negative energy I have been creating, I have been feeding my overdriven thoughts , I gave power to the other “Aakanksha” and let her drive my life into this grave of crippling “Anxiety” and “Self-Loathing”.
I realized, I responded to her actions the way she wanted me to, I fed her with more Anxiety and self-doubt. Even though, every now and then whenever I came this close to winning this battle against her, she overwhelmed me from time & again, within a moment of weakness, she will find a way to enter and hop right back to the front seat and drive my fear right out of my guts, she will make sick, needy, repulsive of my own presence.
I have been so hard on myself for so long, that I had forgotten what it felt like to be rewarded without feeling the guilt. I conditioned myself to this pain and anxiety so much, that they became a part of me, a way of living.
But today with the nudge from my friend, I am going to fight her, every day, from today she is no longer taking the steering wheel.