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Writer's pictureKrusha Bhagat
Nov 26, 20214 min read

Emotional Abuse

"It is not the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart, and the scars on the mind." - Aisha Mirza


A common perception regarding abuse is that it is only physical or abuse is when it can be visible. The mental and emotional aspect of abuse is overlooked or ignored. It is as psychologically damaging as physical abuse.


A woman, J, found her partner to be very insecure about her past relationships. Her partner pursued her romantically, and was very charming. But, after a while, the comments started. She had to, without fail, give her partner the exact location, and who she was with and why. If she came later than the said time, her partner would accuse her of having an affair. He started calling her derogatory names. The situation escalated to restricting her from going out, stopping her from talking to her friends, and isolating her. Her partner would always apologize, but carry on with the same behavior, petrifying her. Which eventually affected her self-esteem. Luckily, she was able to escape from the abuse with help.


What is Emotional Abuse

There is no consensus on the definition of emotional abuse. These are non-physical ways of trying to control, isolate, manipulate, and terrify an individual. The abuser or the perpetrator’s main aim is to break down self-esteem to create victim dependency. This kind of situation makes it very difficult for the victim to get out of the abusive cycle.


Emotional Abuse does not only happen in intimate relationships. It can happen with a parent, a child, a friend, or even a workplace. Emotional Abuse is difficult to recognize as it happens verbally or mentally, with no exact isolated incidents to pinpoint it. It also takes place in many forms.


Forms of Emotional Abuse

It involves both behaviors and acts towards you.


Controlling

This technique is mainly to isolate you from others. It includes controlling any aspects of your life- Controlling your time with others, stopping you from doing what you love, Using jealousy to keep you from others, treating you like a child, financial control, digital spying, outbursts, orders about how you should act, withholding affection, or love bombing.


Humiliation

Humiliating you and in front of everyone. It is to make you feel incompetent and dependent on the perpetrator. This technique can be in the form of insulting, calling derogatory names, making jokes at your expense and your appearance, using sarcasm in disguise, putting down your achievements, belittling.


Shame and blame

Blaming you for their rage, projecting their feelings, accusing you of abusing, trivializing your feelings, breaking or losing your things, making you feel you are ‘crazy.’


Gaslighting

Gaslighting is when the abuser denies something has happened. It is twisting your emotions, making you question yourself, doubting your judgment, memory.


Other forms of abuse include abusing your pet, threatening to harm themselves, abusing children, and threatening themselves as well.


Signs

Some of the signs of emotional abuse are-

  • When you find that you are making excuses for your abuser’s mistakes,

  • Questioning if you are good enough,

  • Constantly apologizing,

  • Having trouble making decisions yourself,

  • Being codependent on your abuser,

  • Avoiding reality

  • Going to extremes to please your abuser

  • Thinking you deserve this treatment

On a one-off, this may look like nothing, but it is extremely damaging.


Effects

Emotional abuse constitutes effects that can be short-term as well as long-lasting.


Short-term effects include

1. Surprise and confusion at every little thing

2. Racing heartbeat at loud sounds

3. Hypervigilance

4. Feeling useless

5. Nightmares

6. Nervousness and the feeling of walking on eggshells.


Long-term effects include

1. Anxiety

2. Withdrawal

3. Depression

4. Emotional instability

5. Feelings of worthlessness

6. Suicidal ideation

7. Suspicion

Stockholm syndrome is also a long-term effect of abuse.


Empower yourself against the abuse

Arguments happen in every relationship, but it becomes abusive when it is a consistent, continuous pattern of behavior. If you ever feel you are suffering abuse, please seek help. The dangers of staying in an abusive situation are far worse. There are many websites with checklists if you are unsure of the abuse. You don’t have to go through abuse because of any reason.

  • Reach out for support- There are several support groups, counselors, and therapists that let you talk in a judgment-free zone.

After Escaping


Heal and rebuild your life

Codependency can leave you feeling alone, it will be hard rebuilding life but it is worth it.


Focus on yourself by getting physical support

Pleasing the abuser constantly is mentally taxing. Stop and get yourself out of the cycle of pleasing others.


Getting socially connected

and reconnecting with those you’ve lost touch with- Avoiding or isolating can further deteriorate your mental health


Make rest a priority

The alertness and hypervigilance takes away the energy to do other things. Find a safe environment to get yourself off the fight or flight mode.


Setting boundaries

You have to sternly stop people from walking all over you and being a pushover.


Get therapy

Therapy is available for both the abuser and the victim. With various types of psychotherapy and counseling available, it helps you build your self-esteem and self-worth, and free you from abusive situations.


Accept that the abuse isn’t your responsibility

by breaking the cycle and setting yourself free.


Takeaway Message

Disagreements in a healthy relationship help the individual grow. The difference between abusive and healthy relationships is not the disagreements, but the behavior during conflicts. If you are still unsure of leaving, look around and imagine yourself in the relationship in the future. When you understand that what you want is way different than what you are getting, you will realize it.


In conclusion, it is important to make yourself a priority, work on yourself, and change priorities. Remember you are worth it. Because you can heal broken bones, but you can’t heal a broken mind.


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