The term “Gaslighting” comes from a 1938 play, “Gas Light,” which was turned into a more successful movie in 1944, “Gaslight.” In this drama, the husband manipulates his wife by turning the gas-powered lights down, then denying that the lights have dimmed when she comments on them — making her believe that she is losing her sense of reality. He also hides things, and claims that she has put them away, and plays other tactics to make her think that she is going mad. His goal is to have her committed to a mental institution so that he can acquire her inheritance.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological and emotional abuse, that involves manipulating another into daunting or disbelieving their experience, feelings, perceptions of reality, or even their sanity. It includes a pattern of continued behavior often involving outright lying, and denying visible facts, or experiences. In the beginning, this type of abuse is usually subtle. Small details in stories or memories may be changed by the gaslighter. Because these occurrences start so subtly, the individual who is gaslighted eventually starts to doubt their instincts. The gaslighter will gradually weaken the ability of the other to trust themself. Eventually, the gaslighter attempts to gain dominance in the relationship as you might begin to doubt your memory.
"If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes accepted as the truth.” - Anonymous
Gaslighting in Relationships
Gaslighting in relationships can start like a fairy tale, then it moves to a phase known as “love bombing” where the gaslighter showers the intended victim with fancy dinners, trips, seductive love, and gifts. They talk about the future a lot, it will probably be too early in the relationship, but quite endearing for the victim. Gaslighting occurs in relationships where there is an unequal power dynamic, and the target has given the gaslighter authority, and often their respect.
Commonly used phrases by gaslighting partners-
You are making that up.
There you go again, you are so ungrateful.
Stop acting crazy; Or: You sound crazy, you know that, don’t you?
You’re imagining things.
You’re overreacting.
You are always so dramatic.
Don’t get so worked up.
Gaslighting Yourself
Gaslighting is typically brought up in the context of an emotionally abusive relationship. However, sometimes abusive manners can become internalized, and so you might end up being self-abusive. Maybe you were subjected to your parents gaslighting you or you recently ended an abusive romantic relationship. People aren't born gaslighters, they see it, experience its effects, or discover it, and realize it is a powerful tool. You may not realize you've been manipulating yourself because you believe you're expressing yourself honestly. Signs you are self-gaslighting-
Asking/wondering if other people think you are lying about your struggles
You find yourself apologizing often
Doubting your memories
Heightened anxiety
Overthinking your reactions in a situation
Minimizing your own issues
Reevaluating your emotions based on other’s reactions to your feelings.
Impact of Gaslighting
Gaslighting can hold you back from making necessary life changes. It devalues your capacity to understand yourself, your needs, and your desires. Gaslighting can have a severe, and long-term effect on the victim’s emotional, psychological, and often physical well-being if left unchecked.
Lack of self-trust and intuition
Second guessing almost all decisions
Anxious about your feelings
Low self-confidence and increased self-doubt
Questioning yourself and your identity
Constantly apologizing and explaining yourself
Performing people-pleasing behavior.
How to respond to a Gaslighter
I know my truth, and I’m not going to debate it with you.
If you continue to speak to me this way, I'm not going to engage.
We remember things differently, and that’s okay
I'm stepping away from this conversation.
I hear you but that is not my experience
Recognizing that you are being gaslighted is the first step. Ideally, someone who is being abused would seek assistance, and maybe quit the relationship. However, there are situations when complications restrict a person from leaving immediately. It's possible that the victim is financially reliant on their abuser, or that there are children involved. You can seek help from someone outside the relationship. Those who have been subjected to gaslighting may benefit from counselling. A therapist is a third party who can assist in reinforcing one's perception of reality. A person's self-esteem, and control over their life can be rebuilt via treatment. If you're experiencing self-gaslighting, get in the habit of identifying when you've gaslit yourself. Consider where it came from and what you could be internalizing from damaging external influences. Self-gaslighting can be combated by replacing these damaging statements with self-affirming ones. To help you break the gaslighting patterns, speak them aloud, or write them down in a daily journal. Self-affirming phrases to practice- “My feelings are valid and real” “I deserve love, I am worthy of it.” “Nothing is wrong with me or my memory” “I do not have to compare struggles to invalidate my own” “I deserve to be listened to by my loved ones.”
Takeaway Message
Even if those around you don't believe in you, you have the ability to validate yourself. It's typical for gaslighting survivors to struggle with invalidating themselves, particularly when others reject their experiences or emotions. Emotionally validating yourself can be a powerful way to accept, and process these internal thoughts. If you have experienced gaslighting, whether it was a romantic relationship, with others like family members or friends, you are not alone. Take your time to heal.
References
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